Brian’s Hat

It’s illegal for you to ask me that!

Prosecutor: Your Honor, the defense has tried to claim that their unloading of Qualstar stock the week before its value plummeted was sheer coincidence, a very lucrative coincidence. This text message exchange will prove that they knowingly engaged in insider trading.

Miss Hubbell, do you recognize these text messages?

Miss Hubbell: Yes.

Prosecutor: And they’re between whom?

Miss Hubbell: Myself and Vincent Alan.

Prosecutor: Vincent Alan, your co-defendant and colleague at Nortrip?

Miss Hubbell: Yes.

Prosecutor: I will now read from these text messages dated April 12th of this year.

Bree: “Did you talk to Dan at Qualstarr?”

Vincent: “He said they’re laying off 300 people next week.”

Bree: “We need to unload our shares before then.”

Vincent: “I’m on it.”

Bree: “Be discreet.”

Vincent: “Of course.”

Bree: “Oh, my God. Did you see Brian’s hat?”

Vincent: “Oh, fսck. Ha ha ha ha!”

Brian: What the hell?

Prosecutor: Bree: “He looks so fսcking stupid. I can’t breathe.”

Vincent: “What the hell even is it?”

Bree: “It’s a fedora with safari flaps in the back.”

Vincent: “Holy shit! He looks so fսcking stupid.”

Brian: No.

Prosecutor: “Talk later. I’ll take care of that thing.”

Hmm. Sounds like more than a coincidence to me. Miss Hubbell, do you recognize these texts?

Miss Hubbell: I do.

Prosecutor: Vincent: “It’s done. I talked to Dan. We’re good.”

Bree: “Loose ends?”

Vincent: “We’re all good, about to be way better.”

Bree: Smiley face emoji.

Vincent: “Did you see Brian’s hat? He’s still fսcking wearing it.”

Brian: What the hell?

Prosecutor: Bri: “Yes, I even saw two cubes in his pocket. I think he has dice, but he’s afraid to show them to anyone.”

Brian: The hell’s she even talking about?

Prosecutor: Vincent: “L-O-L. That is so sad.”

Bree: “So sad. So sad. So, so, so, so, so sad.”

Brian: (drops dice and pushes them to the right with his foot)

Prosecutor: Vincent: “It’s so heartbreaking, but I can’t stop laughing. Tears are literally streaming down my face thinking about his dumb dice.”

Brian: (pushing dice back and forth with person sitting next to him) Leave it the fսck alone.

Prosecutor: Bree: “Just wired the money.”

Vincent: “Holy fսcking shit! Brian’s hat just got him in huge trouble in a meeting.”

Brian: God damn it!

Prosecutor: “Mr. Andrews made Brian take off his hat. He said it was distracting. He said if anyone disagreed, he’d let Brian keep the hat on. Nobody said shit, dude, nobody said shit.”

Bri: “What did he do when Mr. Andrews made him take it off?”

Vincent: “He took the hat off and he hid his head in his hands. You could tell he was crying.  He kept saying under his breath, ‘You can’t fսcking do that.’ Then Mr. Andrews said, ‘What’s that, Brian?’ And he said, ‘Nothing.’ And then a minute later, he said, ‘It’s not a distraction. The guy at the store said I’m the only guy he’s ever seen pull it off.’ Mr. Andrews asked him how much it cost, and he said, ‘It’s illegal for you to ask me that.’ And Brian said, ‘I’m putting the hat back on, I don’t care what happens to me.’ Mr. Andrews said, ‘Just take the hat off, Brian.’ ‘No, I’m not taking the fսcking hat off.’ Then he stood up and said, ‘I’ve never fought for anything in my entire life. I’m fighting for this hat.’ He went to slam his hand down on the table, but he hit his water bottle and it spilled all over his laptop. And then I swear to fսcking God, he tried to roll the hat down his arm like Fred Astaire, but the backflap got trapped around Rick’s wheelchair, and then it took him forever to get the flap out of the wheelchair. He was fսcking beet red. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. One of the flaps got wheel grease on it, and he said, ‘What the fսck is all this stuff? You have to grease these wheels?’  And Rick said, ‘Yeah, you have to keep the wheels lubricated.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, well, I’m not supposed to get grease on this hat.’ And Brenda was just sitting there slightly in his way towards the door, and as he walked towards her, he said, ‘Move,’ and right when he said it, he realized he had gone too far. So, he said in a jokey voice, ‘Who said that?'”

Brian: Don’t do the voice.

Defense: Objection, relevance.

Brian: Finally.

Prosecutor: “Dollar sign emoji.”

Brian: (dice rattle) Quit fսcking with them.

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